Feelings ugly and unwanted.

Requesting some immediate retail therapy

And my guitar strap smells like toxic chemicals.

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It gets sort of hard to be happy when it seems like everyone in the world is complaining to you about something. It's not that I don't want them to talk to me. It's just that it's multiple people. And all our conversations consist of something they're annoyed with or being sick or whatever. I don't mind one person, but when it's at least a handful I just stop being able to be positive about anything.

Just trying to breathe a sec here on lj.

I'm really hoping to get started on my short film. I've been getting inspiration for it daily.

Oh and "okay" = the ultimate ender.

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I like putting on my headphones and watching people converse.

Facial expressions
Hand guestures
Eye contact
Interaction

I'm sure people find it creepy and annoying that I just watch them, but I love people.

I will try to make a movie, discreet, of people and the way we talk and why it's so beautiful to me. Hopefully putting it down in lj will help me to remember.

Also. I wish rasberries had fewer seeds. They're very obnoxious.

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I had a crazy dream just now that made me miss my bio class. It was like supposed to just be for fun, but something felt like something bigger was about to happen. Me and some strangers were going to go ghost hunting in a haunted building and we were all equipped with walkie talkies and some sort of backpack we had to wear.

The haunted building was on this hill and ee had to wait a few hours. That's when the sky got dark and gloomy and the sun was going down. I don't know why it had to be nighttime....

The whole waiting process got me really scared in anticipation. For the ghost hunt. It didn't feel like some novelty act. It felt like one of us could die. And just as we were about to take the elevator up or down to the haunted parts of the building...I woke up.

Geeze! I would have preferred to go to biology.

I was honestly really scared.

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I think my hand is cramping from all the drawing and coloring I've been doing. Ugh.

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I'm not gonna lie. I often blog on myspace when I'm high or when I want someone to possibly read what I have to say. A specific someone. And sometimes I write them for both reasons.

Anyway. I read one I had posted over two years ago and it's pretty damn obvious what I'm talking about and who! Why did i do that??? I feel so obvious looking back. Obvious and insane. I am insane. Not to mention the awkward people I have to awkwardly avoid. At parties. Why the fuck did he let it be so awkward. I also hate thinking that it's only me that's awkward and uncomfortable with it. Meh fuck boys.

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Woke up to a sinking feeling in my stomach. The search for happiness continues.

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Promise not to skip or delete any of these questions?
Yeah. No one will read this.

If you married the last person of the opposite sex that you texted what would your last name be?
Hmmm Yu maybe? Or lance? Lol. LOL!!

What's the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?
Mmmm communication right? And trust?

Where do you wish you were right now?
I dunno.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
Depends.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
No. Life isn't easy like that.

Is anyone over protective over you?
no. Sort of wish there was though.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Not really. Not as much as I have a reason to go to sleep right now.

What are you currently listening to?
Mmm fan spinning? Carmen and I are just laying on keis bed in silence.

Last time you felt bad about something?
Minutes ago. About a conversation over the phone with someone that matters of sorts.

Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?
yes. I'd do anything for my family.

Is your life anything like it was 2 years ago?
Not at all.

Have you ever told anyone you loved them and meant it?
Of course. I can't say it unless I mean it.

Do you miss anyone?
I do. A lot of people.

Do you think before you speak?
I try. But if I've got like...strong emotion in me...

Who was the last person to emotionally hurt you?
Meh...I guess he didn't mean to but earlier today...maybe he was just being a typical dude :-(

Was your last kiss a regret?
no. It probably like the dream becoming a reality only to result in a shitty-ness...in the future.

Do you like to cuddle?
I like to not call it cuddling.

What do you carry with you at all times?
Um...phone.

Name every name in your inbox:
You are not interested.

Are you a patient person?
Gosh I know I can be short tempered.

Kill or Be killed?
Oh noes.

Is your phone right beside you?
I'm on it right now

Will this weekend be a good one?
This upcoming one? Who knows. I hope but things ain't going to swell currently.

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
I dunno. I'm sure there are worse out there.

Do you hate anyone?
No but there are people I dislike a lot unfortunately.

Are you happy right now?
No not right now.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
Theoretically speaking right? Eh. I need to keep my heart with me for a while.

The person you like runs up and kisses you, what do you do?
Probably just be really confused.like...where'd you come from?

What were you doing at 11 last night?
Hmmm either at jennys dorm being dumb or at the apartment watching death note :-) .

Reason behind the last time you cried really hard?
I don't know probably something lame oh. Earlier this week. I just hit a limit.

Reason behind the last time you laughed really hard?
Hmmm I laughed really hard when I saw Kei had food between her two front teeth. That's so funny to me.

Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Mmm no.

Have you kissed anyone with a tattoo before?
Mmm yes. Geeze.

Is there someone you will never forget?
Probably. I hope.

Has anything happened to you within the past month that has made you angry?
Oh so angry.

It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?
I don't get so many phone calls

When was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn't breathe?
Lolol probably that one weekend with everyone at the apartment. Lolol oh man. Good times. Laughing for like 10 minutes straight. Literally had to run out of the room so I would stop laughing.

Does anyone dislike you?
Pretty much someone new on the daily.

Have you ever broken up with someone and become enemies?
I never wanted it to end that way. Well with a couple of them.

Why aren't you with the person you fell hardest for?
Lol bc relationships are a two-person ordeal...

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Man. I can't stop thinking about that night. Im supposed to be studying!! This book I'm reading for my paper is sort of ridiculous. Some parts are true but still..."women do not want to spoil their hair!" I didn't throw in that exclamation point. It was clearly exclaimed.

I'm really distracted and feeling like it was it just a horrible mistake that complicated our friendship like in the movies except not really because their relationship is fake and they are not emotionally dealing with the repercussions of...these events.

Anyhow I'm trying to remind myself daily that this is just how it is and it wouldn't have worked out anyway and it just wasn't meant to happen. Whatever-whatever-cliched bullshit that you never really take seriously when it's to you.

Blogging sucks. I just wish I had the stamina for handwritten journals. Ima try tho since i just bought more for the sake of...they were on sale.

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I'm really stressed out and I think it's making me incredibly irritable. Even the fucking wind outside is pissing me off. I think I'm going to look into buying noise cancelling headphones more seriously after I shower

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Why does my heart race everytime I see something pertaining to you? Even though it always seems to be something that makes me sad.

Watching phineas and ferb with roommates until movie time :-\. Geeze.

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So I think the key to being truly badass is to really not give a shit about what you're allowed to do. Can and can't. Like just do what you want until you get in trouble. If and when you do, oh well. It's like. Taking risks instead of always questioning and second guessing. Check out rockprophecies.com

Upon my attempts to move on from someone I seem to be getting more desperate and quick to convince myself that I could have feelings for someone I could NEVER have imagined myself with before.

It's all just a fucking charade though. I am not interested in these people I am forcing myself to consider feelings for. It's grossing me out and it feels like I'd be settling.

Trying to ease in to being comfortable and happy being single. And not interested in anyone.

At least I have Halloween to look forward to. And reasons to be distracted. I.e. School, halloween costume, projects, Carmens birthday planning. Most of those things are pretty exciting.

Fancy ass plans for carmens birthday too. And we do love getting dressed up. Haha. It's not even for a month and a few days though lolz. I should do what I need to do first haha Halloween costume from scratch! :-X

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Why is it so difficult for me to connect with
girls in my program? :-\

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I can't sleep. I wonder if it was the mountain dew Baja blast. Mountain dew has a lot of caffeine doesn't it? For some reason I have pectoral angina too. It's scaring me. I feel weird today. I need to remember to say no to cigarettes.

Whip it was good. It inspired me to be a doer and not a wisher. I wish too much. I realized that boys who have a passion and are doing something to support and feed this passion...are hot. But meh on boys.

I wanted to be asleep at least an hour ago. Oh mountain dew. And new internet at RP. THIS IS VERY INCONVENIENT.

anyway. Andrews time tomorrow.

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Feeling psycho/crazy. I hate it.

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1) Are you ready for 120 questions?
:-|

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Mmm...maybe. Not sure if it was worth the current awkwardness and lack of friendship.

3) Do you believe in God?
yes.

4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
I think Tanya.

5) Do you regret it?
Noooo. She's my best friend :-)

6) Have you ever been depressed?
Mmmm not clinically, but I've been super sad.

7) Have a best friend?
Refer to question #5, for example

8) Are you a boy or girl?
two girls and two boys.

9) What is your relationship status?
single. But always looking. Lol jk but literally I'm usually unconsciously seeing if someone around is attractive...but not to make moves. Just to acknowledge, i suppose, not looking for anyone new right now.

10) How do you want to die?
Happy

11) Who are the texts in your inbox from?
Um...multiple people.

12) Play any sports?
Nah, but I've been trying to find a formidable tennis opponent.

13) I have lost some respect for...
Guys. Lol! Meh. They've all got to prove themselves now. ALL.

14) Ever lied?
yes. Everyone has. Guaranteed.

15) Ever wonder if you're someone's everything?
Mmm I bet JR and I are that to my parents. But no one else.

16) Do you like someone?
Not sure. Thank goodness i'm over my mini-crush, though.

17) What's your real name?
--choosing to leave this blank bc..there's no reason to really fill it out

19) Are you gonna get high later?
Nahhhhh I'm gonna..pack!

2o) Last person you fell asleep with?
Just myself for the past month at least. Unless you count Amy? Hahaha

21) Do you miss anyone?
Yes. And unfortunately

22) Last time you were really happy?
I'm not sure. There are sporadic moments.

23) Do you tan a lot?
nah Im over the phase, but! I like the idea of just laying around under the sky.

24) Have any pets?
If only.

25) How exactly are you feeling?
Panicky and stressed

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
This is a lame question

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Yes. But like...my own...bathroom.

28) Last person to call you beautiful?
I can very clearly the last time this happened. And it makes me really sad.

29) Are you scared of spiders?
If they're bigger than the size of my pinky nail, fuck yes.

30) Would you go back in time if given the chance?
I think i would like to go back to somewhere in elementary school because I don't remember it much.

31) Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Agh. Yes. Don't get too close to my face if I'm drunk :-O

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Pack. Amy time. Study :-( stress out.

33) Do you want to have kids?
Yes! I look forward to having Asian babies! So cute.

34) Last person you were in a car with?
Mmm Jae probably. Lol hope she isn't tired of me

35) Do you type fast?
I consider it a skill.

36) Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Eff the repetition of dumbass questions.

37) Are you ticklish?
Oh gah. Too much so

38) Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed?
Bahahaha. Fuck my life.

39) Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
More recently than I like.

40) What’s on your bedroom floor?
Ugh. So many clothes.

41) When’s the next time you will kiss somebody?
Fuck. I dunno. Probably years.

42) Does your last ex have a job?
no.

43) How many piercings do you have?
2/3 depending on how you count

44) Ever kissed in the rain?
Mmmmm I don't think so. Not In the way I would have wanted.

45) Are you a jealous person?
Nah. Just insecure.

46) Any plans for tomorrow?
Same things.

47) If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do?
Unfortunately I'd be really upset.

48) Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?
Nope.

49) Where is the person you have feelings for?
Who..?....

50) Do you want any tattoos?
Mmm? I've had plans to get a particular tattoo for like 3 years.

51) When is the last time you were in a photo-booth taking pictures with friends?
Mall. Um, last year?

52) When's your birthday?
--

53) Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
Probably hmm I dunno. Jae?

54) Do you get the recommended eight hours of sleep a night?
nevar.

55) Are you cheating on someone right now?
Would fucking nevarrrrr

56) When was the last time you wanted t...
-I accidentally deleted some of this question. Moving along.

57) Do you like Subway?
Nope. Lol.

58) Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
I ignore people for many reasons.

59) Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Beginning to not. Eff that shiz.

60) Do you trust all your friends?
Easily I trust the girls more than the boys.

61) Has a boy sat on your bed before?
Nevarrrrrrrrr. Lol. Oy.

62) Does seeing couples in love make you mad?
Mmm. Yup. Hahahaa. Good for them though. Not really "mad" so much as depressed

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Hmm...don't know.

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
I sure did.

**conversation I just had with my mom:
Me:(looking at a spot on the tile) did this not come off?
Mom:(also looking) no. What is that?
Me:....nosebleed...
Mom: ....hm. Interesting.

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
I guess forgive? I haven't forgotten anything that has hurt me. Emotionally. Which i'm assuming this questioned is referring to

66) Is this year the best year of your life?
Probably one of the worst.

67) What was your childhood nickname?
Uhh mitzie? I guesss.

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Lolzzzz. Dang. One of these days... that sounds funny.

69) Do you think you're a good person?
i want to be.

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
i'm not sure really.

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Probz check Twitter

73) What is bothering you?
Kidz bop.

74) Have you ever been out of the country?
yes.

75) What holiday is your birthday closest to?
St. Patricks day!!! Wusssup!

76) Are you listening to music right now?
Nope. Icarly.

77) Do you like Chinese food?
-- imma ignore questions I think are dumb or that people would already know

78) Do you know your fathers b-day?
yes.

79) Are you afraid of the dark?
Depends on the location

81) Are you mean?
Probably.

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
nah. That's pointless to me.

83) Why do you think so many people cheat on their boyfriend/​girlfriends?​
I don't know. There are many things I don't understand.

84) Do you believe in true love?
Not sure. Not right now. But I hope it exists.

85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I'm not proud at how lazy I can be.

86) Do you like the outside?
Nah! I love it!

89) Are you currently bored?
No. Too much to do!

90) Has anyone walked out of your life in the past 2 weeks?
No.

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
No. I dunno. Pet names are cute though. Sometimes. To a point.

92) Are you hungry?
I want cookies and milk.

93) Would you kiss anyone you've texted today?
Already am. I haven't texted anyone today.

94) What makes you happy?
Mmm friends. And dancing. Minus the swearing ahahahaha

95) Would you change your name?
Possibly hahaha. I never really liked my name

96) Ever been to Alaska?
no but I bet it's beautiful. So. I would like to go

98) Do you watch the news?
I try. But no lie my tv is always on disney or nickelodeon.

99) What' s your zodiac sign?
---

100) Do you like meeting new people?
I dunno. But I like getting to know people. I like meeting people one on one. Not big groups.

101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
--

102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
I don't have many best guy friends.

103) How many months until your birthday?
Not counting. Not wanting to grow older.

104) Did you talk to your father today?
No :-(

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
I had a reason. And it was awkward. And sad

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self with?
Sigh yes. I miss you.

107) Who is the last girl you talked to?
Mom?

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/​girlfriend smokes?
Maybe. Only just the whole health factor. But I dunno.

109) Do you have any siblings?
yes

110) What's going on between you and your best friend?
We don't get totalk as often. Things get busy. Life is busy.

111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
I dunno. I haven't really in a while.

114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, pants, or shorts?
Shorts or jeans.

115) Has someone ever made you a promise & broken it?
It happens. Bad year, remember.

116) Where do you go if you are butt naked and locked out of your house?
Hm. If this were to happen, I would probably not be alone...so I'd have to see where that would go...

117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
I don't prefer anything. I just do it when I need/feel like it.

118) Have you ever said you'd never love again?
--lame.

119) Do you want to please everyone?
I use to. But I learned most people don't deserve happiness over mine.

120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Nope! :-) whatever.

Not that I make moves or anything...but it is damn near imossible to NOT check out the hot guys at the rec...mannnnnn

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